A final budget celebration dinner became an illegal meeting of the Macon City Council on Tuesday when Mayor Jim Marshall discussed city business at the social event, lawyers said.

Marshall invited the full council and members of his administration to dine at the Texas Cattle Co. on Tuesday afternoon after the council met to approve the city's fiscal 2000 budget. During the dinner, Marshall allegedly mentioned that calculating the 15% gratuity was "really hard like doing a city budget."

"It was a blatant violation of the Open Meetings Law," Georgia Press Association attorney David Hudson said Wednesday. By law, Marshall should have posted notice that impromptu remarks might be made at the impromptu meal and notified the public in writing through the city's legal organ, The Macon Telegraph. No notices were posted nor sent to the Telegraph.

Marshall denied violating the state's open meetings law and said he merely wanted someone to loan him a calculator to figure out an appropriate tip. "I can't remember verbatim what I said," Marshall said. He said city attorney Pope Langstaff interrupted him and informed those in attendance that they should not discuss the matter because of the state law. Had anyone responded, they too could be charged with violations. "A waiter who chuckled at Marshall's illegal remark may be charged conspiracy in the incident," Hudson said.

In a related story, Marshall's wife reportedly told a friend that Marshall mumbles about city business in his sleep. "That's hearsay evidence but if we can compel Mrs. Marshall to testify about the alleged dream-induced comments and confirm that someone else in city government was nearby, then Mayor Marshall may face other charges since there have been no public notices about city business meetings in the Marshall bedroom," Hudson said.

According to Macon city council budget experts, Mayor Jim Marshall's proposed tax cut would have wreaked havoc on future budgets by suggesting to voters that spending could be curtailed. "You give them an inch and they'll take a mile," said Marvin Beancounter, the city's budget analyst. "The Council and the Appropriations committee has too much fun spending the loot and using the money as leverage. There's no way they want to give any of that money back to taxpayers. That would be like suggesting it was their money to keep," Beancounter said. "We all liked the garbage fee hike idea, but since we know that actual collection of that money is questionable, we opted to leave those alone. We do know of at least one radio personality we can nail for these fees, but that's another story. We really needed a property tax hike so we could hike spending but this is an election year and everyone thought the novelty of a balanced budget really sounded cool. We'll wait until next year to stick it to the taxpayers," Beancounter said.

By a narrow 12-1 vote, council voted to kick Marshall's tax-cut and garbage-fee-hike to the curb. Council members Dillard and Miley were not present for the vote. "I'm disappointed," Mayor Marshall said. "We gave the tax-cut a good try and the vote was close. If Thelma Dillard and Lonnie Miley weren't busy with their appeal on Dillard's ballot disqualification, heck, we might have had 200% more support for my plan."

The City of Warner Robins is sick and tired of litter. Accordingly, city councilman Adolf Mussolini proposed a death penalty ordinance for convicted litterbugs. Mayor Donald Walker said that while he's serious about stopping litter, he could not support the death penalty because the purchase of an electric chair and related appeals court costs were too expensive. "As part of our citizen education process, we'll have officers carry bags of trash in their patrol cars. When motorists are spotted littering, the officers will dump a baggie full of coffee grounds, cigarette butts, sour milk and egg shells into the lap of the offending motorist," Walker said.

"If Mayor Walker cannot support the death penalty, he should at least support a measure with teeth," Mussolini said. "We should have dogs bite these lowdown litterbugs and dump a full bag of foul garbage into the offender's vehicle." Asked about constitutional concerns, Mussolini said, "All that 'cruel and unusual punishment' stuff is for pansies. We need to get serious about litter."

Wilkinson County commissioner Klem Kadiddle says he plans to fight fire with fire to stem the tide of decadence and moral depravity in his county. Accordingly, he's pushing for a law requiring nudity and nude dancing in every bar that serves alcohol. "When they get one look at a nude Bubba in Joe's tavern or a nude Maude and Sadie in BillyBob's pool hall, they'll run for cover and probably give up drinking for good," Kadiddle said. "Even those who want to drink really bad will have trouble overcoming their gag reflex in our bars. The serious drinkers will stay home or go to neighboring counties to drink."

Renowned nudity expert and consultant John Chambers objects to the proposed law. "This would obviously violate these good people's constitutionally protected right to wear clothes, not to mention their right to keep their lunch," Chambers said. Kadiddle disagreed stating that reverse-peristalsis is a natural reflex and cannot be construed as food deprivation.

Employees at Wilkinson bars were not thrilled with the proposed law. "I'm scared, plum scared," said Bubba Stillwell who works at Joe's tavern. "There's a lot of hazards in a bar for a nude bartender. There's the dishwashing sink with hot water and lots of cold kegs and sharp bottle tops. I'm gonna have ice and cold water on my hands and this law will prohibit me from wearing my apron. And to top it all off, I can't dance worth a hoot. You can ask my wife about that. Just the thought gives me the shivers," Stillwell said.

"Me, too," said one patron who asked not be identified. "Just the thought of Bubba without…." The patron abrubtly sprinted to the bathroom, apparently too emotional to go on. The nude dancing issue typically generates strong feelings in every community and the same can be said for Wilkinson County. "If this idea backfires and exposes us to other problems, well then at least we'll get on the map as the nude dancing capitol," Kadiddle said.

An anonymous source in the Dillard mayoral campaign quoted Dillard as saying, "I am the greatest! After I whip Melton and Ellis, I'm coming after Jones. I'll float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. I'll stomp them into a puddle and walk them dry starting tonight at the Douglass Theatre forum. The July primary will only be a warm-up…I'll want some fresh meat in November." The Dillard source went on to say, "When Ms. Dillard told us to bounce the check, we decided to have a party and spend the campaign account down to zero. We had a blast!" Caldwell said that Macon voters will have forgotten all about the check bouncing by November. "The key is to have a GOP opponent that will make us (Democrats) appear relatively intelligent and coherent in the election. If a Democrat wins by default, we'd have the usual image problem and more importantly, the victory party wouldn't be as much fun," Caldwell said.

Mabel Jones announced Thursday that she will not run because the GOP elite have snubbed her with insufficient begging. Eric Griffin, chairman of the Bibb County Republican Party, said that he did not snub Ms. Jones and that he even complimented her on her hat. "Ms. Jones asked me to stand on one foot which I did. Then put one finger on my nose. Then hop up and down. Then beg her 'pretty please.' All these things I did but the final straw was the 'with a cherry on top' demand. We in the GOP elite have to maintain some measure of dignity," Griffin said. "However, if Billy Graham and the Pope both decline our request to run here as Republicans, I might consider begging Ms. Jones pretty please with a cherry on top," Griffin added.

"I'll do the cherry," Caldwell said. "I'll put a whole pile of cherries on top. Heck, I'll give her a Cherry Blossom Festival on top. Please, Mabel, please run. And I promise, we won't let Jim Lee keep saying 'bring me another Black Label.' Everyone's tired of that and no one under 50 remembers those old Carling Black Label commercials anyway," Caldwell said. "And I really like Mabel's hats, all of them. They're GREAT!" Caldwell added. Sources close to Mable Jones said that the non-candidate, in addition to appropriate begging, is holding out for an "honorary GOP elite conspiracist" membership card and a gift certificate to the hat shop on Cherry Street.

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins